On August 5th, 2014 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II.
I had just finished my Junior year the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and was preparing for my Senior. A large part of my Junior year was spent in a depressive state. I went to counseling and wellness services but didn't follow through with my appointments. I felt like it was a copout. I felt that not being able to do certain things because of one's mental state was an easy excuse. I had multiple reality checks with myself trying to figure out if I truly felt there was something wrong or if I was just lazy. I was also deeply afraid of being diagnosed with a "scary" mental disorder. I grew up with an uncle who has struggled with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia the majority of his life. I don't want to perpetuate stigmas here, but its important in order to understand my fears. Because of my exposure to my uncle's serious mental health issues, I thought that if I were diagnosed my experiences would be similar.
I made my initial contact with counseling and wellness and never went back.
In a depressive state, its like every single thing becomes a battle. Getting out of bed is climbing Mt. Everest. There were many days my Junior year when I did not go to class because I could not make myself.
I thought that I just needed a break and that things would get better over the Summer. I wasn't necessarily feeling depressed anymore but I was noticing patterns in my personal relationships that were indicative of more than depression. I went to my first therapy session thinking I had Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapist explained why she believed I had Bipolar Disorder and referred me to a clinical psychologist in the area. To be blunt, I was scared shitless.
My diagnosis process was taking a few personality tests, answering some questionnaires, and discussing my symptoms with an experienced Dr. in the field.
The overwhelming feeling was anger. I was angry that I had Bipolar Disorder. I felt like everyone around me was getting internships, traveling abroad, preparing for graduate school and here I was finding out that I would have Bipolar Disorder for the rest of my life. For me, I reached a point where I realized that I could either continue doing self-destructive things out of anger, or try to improve my quality of life.
Bipolar Disorder II means there is no documented case of a full-blown manic episode featuring psychotic behaviors. A psychotic behavior might be doing something and not remembering it, or doing things that don't make sense for anyone to do. Bipolar Disorder II is doing things when hypomanic or depressed that are abnormal behaviors for you but not necessarily everyone in general.
This is the important part for my friends. Some describe being hypomanic as being fun! My hypomania is typically not fun. I am hypomanic more than I am depressed. Again, these are just my experiences. Typically, when I am hypomanic I have an overwhelming sense of, "What even?!" When I'm hypomanic its hard for me to really differentiate between what I'm thinking/feeling and what is actually happening. I am fully aware that I am hypomanic during episodes, but that doesn't make it any easier to understand everything that is happening. Its like everything becomes a liquid and starts to mix together and I am intensely aware of my separation from everyone. When hypomanic I become irritable. I've always been a little conceited. I have also always had an extreme personality-- everything makes sense in black and white. Gray zones=mediocrity and confusion. These aspects of my personality are amplified when I am hypomanic. I tend to be even more extreme than usual and I experience the "delusions of grandeur" associated with Bipolar Disorder so I withdraw even more causing an increased sense of separation from the world. If you have ever said hi to me and I've looked at you like you have three heads it was probably because I was hypomanic at the time.
I become intensely absorbed in doing things that are irrelevant but seem super important at the time. For example, I made a cloak once while hypomanic. That cloak is awesome, and I do enjoy my increased creativity, but I don't enjoy having to recover from my 3-4 AM hypomanic exploits later on. I would much rather sleep and do my homework consistently than be able to write 5 poems, reassess my political beliefs again, and research the contemporary Japanese process of becoming a geisha all in one night.
Just because I am irritable does not actually mean I hate everyone. I actually love my friends, and when my moods are consistent I think everyone is awesome! I am a consistent student. Additionally, I don't think I'm always irritable just because I'm hypomanic. People with Bipolar Disorder really do get mad/sad/happy for reasons unrelated to their disorder. Just because I experience a certain emotion while hypo doesn't mean I am experiencing that emotion just because I am hypomanic. Emotions are amplified, not necessarily created. My behaviors largely haven't changed so what is considered Bipolar behavior now is really pretty normal for me. I negotiate my emotions so I don't hurt others and cause myself undue stress, but those emotions are still real.
Everything that I am interested in, all of my personality quirks, are always there when I'm in an elevated or depressed mood state. While Bipolar Disorder impacts how I handle certain things in my life, its just a part of my identity.
If you need help, get help. You know you. If you feel like something is wrong, figure it out. My quality of life became so much better when I was given the tools to manage my hypomania and depression.
